Posted in Crazy Stories, Dysfunctional Family, Funny Stories, Humor, Life, Two Sisters, Uncategorized

Except, we called it a terrace, and wore designer shoes…

Juliet here… Due to an increase in paranoia (mostly mine), my sister and I decided to take a break until we were certain that our crazy stories and alternate personalties could not be traced back to us. I mean, just because we’re bat shit, we do have reputations to uphold! We are professionals after all. I mean, I am a counselor- oh the irony! To be scrutinized in such a ghastly manner! But to be fair, we are all familiar with the stereotype about counselors and people who study psychology. If you haven’t heard of this stereotype, (which I find to be utterly degrading and complete nonsense btw) it’s that we’re nuts.  Either way, better safe than sorry.

In our absence however, much has happened. Remember that crazy boyfriend I told you about? (Cell Block Tango Post) Well… He is no longer my boyfriend. My Northern Inuit is now fully grown and takes up most of the space in my apartment. I stayed with the boyfriend, that is no longer my boyfriend during Hurricane Irma, and had amazing sex. When we lost power, I was reminded as to why he is no longer my boyfriend. I am very happy to be back home with power and AC, and that everyone in my family is safe.

I hope you missed us, as much as we missed writing! Be back soon! Until then, happy hump day!

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Posted in Crazy Stories, Dysfunctional Family, Funny Stories, Humor, Life, Two Sisters, Uncategorized

Cell Block Tango

Juliet here…

So, I woke up this morning with a bad case of PMS, and the song/show tune, “Cell Block Tango” in my head. The famous tune from Chicago where the women sing about the different ways they murdered their husbands/boyfriends, who were either unfaithful, abusive, or just assholes…(see link below).

My ex, and the father of my child is a verbally abusive control freak, and since we share a child, I’m stuck with that bastard for the rest of his life (he’s a lot older than me).  My boyfriend now, is just as controlling, but he’s a nice guy. Its more of an anal tendency with him.
Lately however, the boyfriend has been getting on my nerves.  Everything he does, just rubs me the wrong way.  He’s one of these penny pinching people, where he even uses coupons to get a Big Mac at McDonalds.  It’s maddening…

So the AC has been down for 3 days now and instead of calling a repair man, he thinks waiting for his friend to come and fix it for free, (not guaranteed that he can) is a better idea- at the expense of me and my dog who is a Siberian Husky.  It honestly feels like we are dealing with the aftermath of getting hit by a hurricane, and we were too stupid and cheap to get a generator. Mind you, if I were to stick around with this person, I imagine this is what suffering through a hurricane would look like.  Both my dog and I, are having bad hair days.  I wake up and well, frizz is an understatement, and so is shedding when it comes to my poor animal who is molting.  One would think by the clumps of hair on the floor, that she just started chemo or some crazy ex, put a hex on her.  Ridiculous… She is constantly parked under one of those portable fans I just bought.

I am one of those people, who needs to have coffee in the morning, because if I don’t, I’m not very personable- I know, shocking.  But it’s too hot to have coffee, and I’m much too tired to make that drive to Starbucks.  Instead, I stare at my dog, and then at the coffee machine, then back at my dog, back at the coffee machine, and I do this for a good 2 minutes, and that’s how it started.  “POP!  Six, Squuuuishhh, Uh Oh, Ciceroooo, Lipschitz…”

I don’t know what’s more comical, the fact that that song came to mind, or that I began to sing it out loud versus in my head you know?  I didn’t break out into a dance, because it’s too fucking hot for that, but I kept singing that refrain over and over, until I said “Fuck it! You need the coffee!” My ex had texted me, telling me he took the day off, and asking me if I could buzz him in a few.” The message made me turn purple because, he used the word “buzz,” which I imagine is his version of trying to sound all cool, and not like the abusive bastard that he is, and because people like him, shouldn’t be allowed to have days off.

So there you have it, be wary of the 2 types of control freaks- 1) the abusive kind, and 2) the anal penny pinching kind, because both, will make your life absolutely miserable! But most important, always remember to stay cool, because, we do crazy things in the heat of passion, the key word here being HEAT!

Here is the song for those who aren’t familiar with it- great song! Going to jam to it later lol

Posted in Dares, Dysfunctional Family, Funny Stories, Happy Birthday, Humor, Life, Two Sisters, Uncategorized

Happy Birthday to My Sister

It has been a long long long time dear fans… We had to live through a lot of more crazy shit- or I would not have the one about where I woke up in a hospital with a black eye.  I will save that one for later… Because today, is my Sister’s day… Her and I love George Carlin and Bill Maher (my ideal perfect husband), and I died laughing when she told me about George Carlin’s “New Rules of 2006,” and “Rule #8: The more complicated your order at Starbucks, the bigger of an asshole you are.” (New Rules 2006).

The reason I nearly wet myself was because my sister is rather theatrical, so of course did not just forward me the email, or tell me about it, she acted out Rule #8 and read it, in the voice of George Carlin.  The second reason, was because we are “the assholes,” he was referring to in rule #8, well… more so her, than me, but its not a competition.  You tend to laugh at the things you do, you know?

Screen Shot 2017-05-05 at 1.37.02 PM.pngWhat confuses me at the moment, is I could have sworn I saw him or someone talk about this on a comedy segment with Bill Maher, but I have seizure brain at the moment and so I cannot provide a link at the moment or know if Bill Maher was even involved lol. Wishful thinking perhaps… But, this second link, supports me not being crazy, (I’m Not Crazy Link) and that Bill Maher was in fact involved somehow lol.

Anyway, because times is hard and our father just likes to flaunt his money, not share it, I could not really get her the thing she wanted sooo I improvised, and shared my Starbucks card with her. However, it came with a challenge, which a gave to her in memorandum of George Carlin… Put some elements of theatrics in it, and sent it her way.

Screen Shot 2017-05-05 at 2.06.37 PM.jpg

I have yet to hear back from her.. I dare say she chickened out..

PS: Because we agreed not to share names or locations etc. Just assume our city is one like Miami, or L.A., or Laguna- or one which has a lot of attractive Hispanic women 😉

 

Posted in Uncategorized

Thoughts of the day. MONDAY.UGH!

Jane Doe reporting:  Sooooo…i had a super productive weekend w the exception that the guy I thought I was dating…DID NOT PRODUCE HIMSELF!

Seriously guys…why do guys tell a girl, “o, yea, you’re TAKEN baby”, ONLY to drop off the radar for a week?!

Then THEY wanna cry when I’m off flirting with society & looking for a soulmate and acting all Dr. Seuss’s, “Are you my mother?” with the first guy that pays attention to me!

Then ppl wonder WHY I’m single!…

Wellllll…i’ll tell u WHY…CUZ u CAN’T handle this, JACKASS!

OK…ive said my pic on THAT “revolving door” topic!

Currently, ive clocked out of my job & am headed home for round 2 of the day…which entails getting my youngest at friends house, making sure homework is done, then dinner. All the while, praying (for my sake) that he COMPLETED ALL of his homework. After all, he did have tutoring todAy! …

Ok just got to my train stop! Here we go!

Jane Doe

 

 

 

Posted in Crazy Stories, Dysfunctional Family, Funny Stories, Humor, Life, Two Sisters, Uncategorized

I’m Trying to Watch the Oscars and WTF?

Juliet here…

I write to you now from my California King- and pissed as fuck… I’m tired… but not too tired to watch the Oscars you know? I love the Oscars! I studied Theatre, so naturally I live vicariously through that shit…

I have a 4 year old… love of my life. But she’s at that annoying stage, where she wants/needs to sleep with me… I’m in a 2 year relationship (I’m breaking up with him soon, but that’s another post) and so if I come to my boyfriend’s house, (don’t judge me because he’s my best friend, so just because, I no longer want to fuck him, doesn’t mean I don’t want to hang with the guy..) I can’t lay her to sleep in the guest room, bc then I feel like a harlot you know?  I don’t want to be that Mom who’s like,  “fuck you, fuck your Dad, I have a new boyfriend now, so you’re sleeping in the the guest room, I’m just kidding, I love you to death, but Mommy needs to get laid and so, yea.. fuck you…” I mean I don’t judge, but I imagine that’s what the internal dialogue is, and so, I didn’t want to be that mom…

So my sisterrrr… tells me about this idea involving a teepee, which ends up being brilliant! It involves getting a tent.. and making it all fun and sleep friendly inside, and explaining how Mom has her “own teepee” and so do you.. so I’m like, wow! I feel like a total idiot, and like I shouldn’t have a Master’s Degree in Psychology!  I automatically went to  blaming my SAT score. The teepee thing, really just went right over my head. Why didn’t I think of that? No really… it seemed like common sense after, and made me question my degree, and whether I should be allowed to counsel children…honestly, the SAT is biased, and a bunch of other things, I’m too tired to get into.

Anyway.. So, I do the teepee thing… works great first night.. 2nd she wants it closer to the bed (where I sleep w the boyfriend, I’m about to break up with, and makes me question my motherness and whether I should post this) so I’m like- that’s adorable/endearing, okay.. then Oscars night, nooo of course on this night, she wants me to sleep in the room w her, until she falls asleep… and so I’m doing this.. begrudgingly..  and then, hear the boyfriend, that I’m about to break up with, watching the Oscars from the next room- and he doesn’t even like them, or know who anyone besides Ben Affeleck is, and there is just something wrong w that, I’m sorry!

But you see.. now it’s 11:30, and I can hear  that bc she’s passed out, because she stopped sucking her thumb, so I’m like, “Should I just finish watching them… I want to see what movie won best picture.. I hope Casey Affleck got the Oscar… I can’t believe that this guy, only knows one of the Affleck brothers, and Ben to boot! I feel like I’m super fucking sophisticated because, I know who Casey is, and that I need to start dating men, who strictly only wear boat shoes and loafers, because this is bullshit! I wonder, if  I would have been at the Oscars, if Papi (Dad), supported my dream when I was a kid.. I was good dammit! Bastard… No, no, no.. life is a jooourney, and I was meant to be a therapist. Blah blah blah… Yes, I wasn’t meant for all that hustle and bustle, and starving actor thing. I much rather be a therapist. So much more rewarding too… Fuck, why didn’t I ever think of the teepee thing?

Posted in Crazy Stories, Dysfunctional Family, Funny Stories, Humor, Life, Two Sisters, Uncategorized

Salutations…

Salutations fellow readers and bloggers!  Allow me to introduce myself… My sister and I will be sharing and writing in this blog, so you will be reading both of our crazy thoughts and stories… I am, for lack of a better term, “Sister Two.”  I am the youngest, and the adored baby of the family… Since our stories contain such incriminating material, we would like to remain anonymous.  I have yet to choose a name for myself… Since I am an old soul, I was thinking, Scarlet- as in Scarlet O’Hara.. but today, Scarlet sounds like the name of a stripper or lipstick, so Scarlet is out.. I have no idea what I will name I will choose.  But since I am a perfectionist, it has to be awesome, and something I must ponder, and get back to you all on. So, for now, I am the baby sister aka Sister Two.

My sister and I, are actually 2 of 3 girls.. My sister is the eldest, and I am the youngest.  The one in the middle is not involved because, she your typical middle-child, and has that whole “middle-child complex” thing going on. So, she is out being all rebellious and anti-social, and is probably off on a bender somewhere snorting cocaine… So, she’s not in the club.

We grew up in a dysfunctional, but lovely household… in fair Verona, where we lay our scene… Indeed, we were very much like the Capulets.  Our father was and is, a wealthy man.  Not just because he was a savvy business man, and head of industry, but because, he descended from a line of “pure-blooded aristocrats.”  His words- not ours.  Yet, we had this ingrained in our heads by the age of 7.  Yes, apparently we hailed from Spain, and one of our ancestors, was a count or countess- something like that… He was very proud of his family name, and just like the Capulet’s, he threw great parties.  Except, I never met my Romeo at any of them… Instead, I dressed up in couture and drank and did a bunch of drugs, while portraying the epitome of a well-bred, stand-up daughter.

Yes, quite the farce… I was very good at pretending.  I was involved in theatre my whole life, and in the drama club.  I actually had the honor of playing Juliet, which made my head blow up at the time.  I was in 8th grade, and when our school went to compete, I lost to a Chinese Juliet, and to this day, this plagues me… (Note to self- you should meditate on this childhood wound later).

When I was older, I decided to study psychology.  For answers of course, but I saw it through.  This is a mere introduction, because I can’t go into our past, present, or future in one post.  But rest assured, this blog will contain the kind of stories- either past or present, where we have been like, “Oh my God, what the fuck? This is too crazy! I feel like my life is a movie!” We have been wanting to do this for so long now, but I am glad we both have finally decided to commit to this.  I am sure others, will either be able to relate, or be has baffled as we were.

I look forward to opening up my heart, mind, and thoughts to you all… and btw- total spur of the moment, but how awesome would it be, if my pseudonym was Juliet!!!??? Done! My name is Juliet! Pleasure to meet you!